Standing Up. This is a powerful, visual, simple beautiful blog.
At what point is emotional and verbal abuse enough for someone on the outside to step in and help the victim? The court system is not equipped to take verbal statements by the abuser and predict the potential result since the psychological toll can not be directly measured. Therefore, the court chooses to address it tentatively, if at all. While physical abuse is more obvious, the effects of emotional terrorism are able to be passed on as someone else’s problem more readily.
I don’t enjoy or relish being helpless to stop our abuser. He is a malignant narcissist with access to financial resources I simply do not have. He moves on from one narcissist feed to the next, gathering momentum for his next attack. While I can take his near constant distortion a of reality that include my role as the “crazy bitch” wife who left him and the “fucking cheating whore who spread her legs for dirty old men to pay for her boyfriend attorney,” I will not tolerate his abuse of my daughter (his ex-step daughter). Those of you who are, or were, married to this type of narcissist sex addict just nodded your head, grimaced or said “amen,” because you know how ridiculous the claims against you are. What’s more mind blowing to me, is the number of people the narcissist manages to convince to believe them despite evidence of your character to the contrary.
I used to try to fight every lie with the truth, but he became so good at distortion that it was too exhausting for me and only empowered him to tell more elaborate lies. So I stopped trying to tell people I barely knew, the truth. I try to only care about how I am perceived by those close to me. They have seen me with my kids, seen me serving the Lord, and already knew the heart of me. If after all that, they believed his lies, there wasn’t going to be any miracle I could hope for.
I used to constantly worry that I would end up a national media story…. Mother of two young girls goes missing. Searches of the victim’s computer and home reveals a disturbing picture of the emotional abuse she suffered from the ex-husband. Friends and family as well as people in the community confirmed that they knew about what was going on but didn’t think there was anything they could do.
I don’t worry anymore, I know it will happen. I just pray he’s caught and I’ve left enough evidence behind for justice to finally be done. I left enough insurance money to be allocated just for setting up a resource center in my area for emotionally abused women to have a place to go. There’s enough money to sustain it alone for at least a decade with minimal outside funding. It’s my hope that research can be done out of that center to educate the local judicial system. I hope a treatment methodology is developed and it becomes a court ordered program. I hope for a lot of things.
That was almost exactly my experience. Luckily, my malignant narcissist crossed the lines just enough to not “win” custody. However, I had tremendous resources that other women might not have had which enabled some of the truth to be heard. He continues his abuse to this day since I can no longer afford legally to fight him. The order by the judge for his harassment to stop, means nothing and he knows it. The only thing I hold on to, is my faith in God. The enemy had already been defeated, now I just need to find a way to live as if I believe it.
You’d think the world would ‘get’ the message about victim bashing by now, wouldn’t you? But let me assure you…it does not. If you believe you’ll be able to stand tall in a court of law, tell the truth and be both vindicated and compensated because you have suffered what amounts to psychological torture, I must persuade you to think again.
Our justice system is not set up to pursue justice or truth. It is set up to reward those with the most resources, those who have no scruples, those who already believe they’re entitled to everything they want; those who assume their own superiority. In other words, the justice system is tailor-made for stroking the egos of abusers, falling for their lies, and handing their on a platter, the outcome they fully believes is their due.
Even worse is the fact that the legal system is…
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Its pathetic, but I missed you today. I got on the scale and I almost died inside. I was so fat, I kept thinking about all the egg whites you would cook so I would stay thin. I missed being thin and missed someone critically looking at my body. It’s sick and it’s sad, my rationale brain says. However, I love being thin, I can’t do it without your criticism. You wanting other women made me look good. I wish I was strong, I wish I could do it on my own. I can’t, I am as sick as you are some days.
I think this is great insight into why the NPD does the evidence seeking phase. Mine used post it notes and red pens.
This is a perfect description of the never ending cycle of abuse.
I think I am going to change the name of my website to Sociopath Hell!
The reason for this is, when we are with a Narcissistic Sociopath, and even when we get away from them we are still living in a Sociopath Hell. There is an invisible inertia they create that draws us to them initially. And even we when walk away, or have been Discarded, that invisible inertia still pulls us to them via our thoughts.
When day in and day out you cannot move forward with your life, when you cannot maintain No Contact, when your head is spinning with questions of WHY?? You find yourself constantly crying, missing the Sociopath, nothing at all makes sense, that is Sociopath Hell. There are no words I can say that will magically make all the hurt, anger, disappointment, loss of who you once were
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Today you signed the consent order, it had barely hit your lawyers desk, you were so anxious I might change my mind. You are so proud of yourself thinking you won… And you did, but only in your head.
I dropped my claim to alimony.
I dropped my claim to post-separation support.
I dropped my claim to equitable distribution.
You get to keep your million dollar lake house, offices, rental homes, vacations twice a month… All for a measly $479 a month in child support.
That’s right, against all the legal advice in the world (and a million waivers), I gave it all up. However, here’s what you’ll soon find out…
1. I am free of any and all control you could ever leverage against me.
2. You don’t get to tell people how much you care about your daughter, anyone with half a brain knows the guy who works at Walmart pays more in child support than you. So try to brag about how little you negotiated paying, you look like a dead beat. No one at the country club wants to be associated with the dead beat dad.
4. You don’t get to tell me what activities to put her in, on what days, at what times. You’re not paying enough to afford her luxuries like private lessons. You can only brag about her … Oh wait, she doesn’t do anything “special” so there’s nothing you can use to try to make yourself look good. I, on the other hand get to enjoy her being a kid doing other great stuff like going to the library or swimming at the pool because I have custody.
5. You can’t stalk me legally. The biggest benefit of her not being in “organized” activities that you pay for, I don’t have to tell you where we are everyday. Just try justifying why you randomly ran into us at the park 3 times last week. Good luck, it’s not an activity she’s “enrolled” in so you can’t show up to interrupt her classes and torture me at all her “activities” every day.
6. You can’t say I took all your money. Now you have to explain to people why I walked away from all of it. Wait, not just me, but the first ex too. Logical conclusion people will draw … because there is something so wrong with you that we both just wanted to get away.
7. You can’t say I took all your stuff. FYI – you look like a loser that you let your kid live in a $50,000 house while you live it up at the million dollar lakeside mansion. Logical conclusion people will draw … You didn’t care enough about your kid to pay for adequate housing.
8. You can’t run up my legal bills anymore.
9. You can’t hold the threat of court over me and constantly threaten me to do things you want or you will take me to court. Everything is settled and least I remind you, the judge gave you less custody than I offered in mediation.
10. You can’t keep asking for financial discovery because you will risk paying at least 5x what I let you off the hook for if we go to trial. You will never be able to say I am not spending child support on your kid… They will laugh you out of court!
So I won something today that you will never understand… Freedom … and you can’t take that away!
This was me 4 years ago January, last year, last month, yesterday…and this is me still, today…..I listened to an online video this evening regarding malignant narcissists and my fear level went from tolerable to paranoid again. We have a child together, I have to communicate with him and when I don’t in a way he finds acceptable, he punishes me. He uses my daughter as a pawn and withholds contact when he has her so she is not allowed to talk to me …. He threatens trips out of the country and he has the money so he does it…. Does it ever end?
I am doing really good. I am really. I can’t believe that not too long ago my entire life collapsed in front of my eyes, and I was on surviving mode for months which pretty much meant keeping my head above the havoc in order to breath. It took a while before I was able to dig myself out of the chaos my ex had created, but with the help and support of people around me I did. To be honest, I have accomplished a lot of amazing things in my life, but one of my proudest moments was when I left him and chose to live with dignity. After all, I deserve a respectful, happy and peaceful life. Ever since then, I am getting closer to achieve that for myself, and it feels like my ex is somehow smelling the joy and happiness that is coming my way.
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I should be ashamed of myself for jumping for joy when I found out he was back from the Bahamas and going out to Thai for dinner. Two tell tale signs he has a new victim in his sights. However, all I could do was picture how he painted me to her as the crazy ex wife who lied and cheated. The exact same thing he said about his first wife that roped me in. By now, he has told her so many half-truths that she wouldn’t be human if she didn’t hate me. That is going to be the best of her, the empathy and the trust.
I remember my ex’s first wife calling the house one day and I picked up. She said “get out before it’s too late.” I was too far in by then, enjoying the luxury life and believing she left the country for another man to hear what she said.
So I have my speech all planned out when Mrs. New Narcissistic-Sociopath finally does make an official appearance. It’s simply going to be this… “I am here for you when you need me someday but in the meantime, be good to my kid and don’t forget to copy the hard drives before you go. He’s probably gotten smarter so make sure to copy the jump drives and scraps of paper he left all his notes on scattered around. He thinks you’re too dumb to put them together. Don’t forget the shred pile, he is notoriously bad about leaving his financial records in there, along with his other phone lines, credit cards, and aliases.”
Think she’ll listen?
Not if he picked a really nice person. She’ll be so sweet, she has already fallen down the rabbit hole. So all I can do is pray that she remembers those words and knows I will help her. It wouldn’t hurt if she got the computer files though!
Dear Batard (my new favorite reference for you reflecting a combination of my girlfriends pet name for you – “Fuc)$ard” and my therapists clinical reference to your disorder “Bat Sh$t Crazy”),
I have been disregarding your verbally abusive emails to me as I am sure you realized by now. When you insult me or are irrational/delusional saying things that have nothing to do with raising our daughter they go in the trash file. It is your “gig” to project your feelings on me regarding “anger” when you are actually the one who: would not allow our daughter to talk to me on Valentine’s Day because you are angry with me (I have her call you every night because it’s the right thing to do, not because I am court ordered to do so), stated that unless I gave you more custody (because the judge was wrong) you would make her go to one of the worst schools in the state just to hurt me (that doesn’t look good to others by the way when you try to pretend you want nothing but the best and convince people you should be on the board of directors for the local charters but they know you are forcing her mother to put her in one of the worst schools), brag to your “friends” and bible group buddies that you will only pay $479 for your daughter because that’s all she’s worth (again you can’t think that looks good to them, which is how I know)…. You can try to blame this divorce on me just like you did your last ex-wife and you can rationalize why you don’t have any long standing relationships however your intense drive to hurt people in order to win comes through clearly in the end. At one point you seemed able to see what you were doing, but you are back to your old patterns and in a few years this same thing will repeat itself with someone else unless you take stock of what this looks like to those around you (which you will never do and makes this all the more sad to watch).
In the meantime, while you think I am scared, panicked, upset, devastated, sad, …fill in the blank… I am actually enjoying blogging about how ridiculous you are, loving laughing about your latest lunacy with my friends, or simply hitting delete like you are a piece of junk mail (one of my favorite buttons ever!). I will mourn the day you ever realize how idiotic you sound and stop trying to harass me, in the meantime send me more Batard emails please, they make my day.
One day closer to freedom from you